Right about now I was beginning to have enough of this life changing experience. The aches, pains, nausea and all the other accoutrements accompanying pregnancy were starting to take their toll on my body and mind. My Facebook status updates, that had once started as a ‘Debbie is experiencing the wonder of life under her sweater’ had morphed into ‘Debbie is itchy, grumpy, sweaty and tired and wants this thing out NOW’. My girlfriends Casey and Lou became my lifeline in dealing with the pre-baby blues. Mike was great, and tried to console, but somehow commiserating to my uterus-free husband about my body-betraying laments didn’t help. Only my gals, having been pregnant before, could see my lack of bladder control and raise me an acid reflux and uncontrollable flatulence.
A typical phone call would go like this:
Ring Ring.
Lou: “Hey.” (It’s the days of call display. Nobody says, “Hello?” anymore pretending we don’t know who is at the other end.)
Me: (Exaggerated sigh) “Hi.”
Lou: “How are you feeling?”
Me: “Did your boobs itch?” (No need for small talk.)
Lou: “Yup. I noticed that right towards the end. Totally sucked.”
Me: “Ugh. And what’s with the leg cramps? I’ve get that Restless Leg Syndrome like crazy every night. It’s like I have David Beckham’s legs on steroids trapped in Rosie O’Donnel’s body. Drives me nuts.”
Lou: “I didn’t get the RLS, I got charley horses that would wake my up in the middle of the night. I’m still smarting from the episiotomy. You should really consider perineum massage.”
Deb: “Huh?”
Lou: “You know, the perineum. The spot down there between your (expletive delete) and your (expletive deleted).”
Deb: “I know what the perineum is, I’m just wondering how to incorporate a massage in that particularly sensitive area?”
Lou: “You’re suppose to rub it for ten minutes every night to stretch it out in preparation of a head the size of a watermelon plowing through it.”
Deb: “Ugh. Don’t so ‘plow’. So what are the mechanics of this massage? You just uh… take your finger and rub?”
Lou: “Well you don’t get a Swedish broad to walk on it.”
… and so it goes.
So polish off your gal posse now and make full use of their expertise and support. Enlist your mom, aunt, neighbour, any female of the species who you feel comfortable using the word ‘vagina’ in front of and pour out all your fears, anxieties and questions to and open and willing ear. I remember just talking through my discomfort and blue moods went a long way into making my pregnancies more bearable and even enjoyable.
Filed under: Notes on Pregnancy - How I grew a naked baby in my belly | Tagged: baby, children, family, friends, humor, humour, pregnancy
I can see commiserating with your girlfriends, but I totally enjoyed massaging/ stretching my wife’s perineum. Incidently, baby Andrew was huge and she did have to get an episiotomy, but the recovery went well. (You can hardly see the scar. )Breastfeeding helps with the healing too. Anyway, I didn’ t mean to scare you. It will be a wonderful experience.