Seen on Facebook status update

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors!

Seen on Facebook status update

I was just told I spent too long in the bathroom… I argued that it was just long enough.

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Anybody know where I can get a wicked deal on an acoustic guitar? Like maybe someone with a crack addiction or a disgruntled girlfriend of a bum musician?

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So Spain won the world series or whatever. I didn’t even know they had a hockey team.

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I tried Spanish Fly once… All it did was make me feel like a jerk…

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When I’m having a blue day I just throw the soundtrack to the popular eighties TV show “The Greatest American Hero” into my Walkman and all life’s foes seem to fade away.

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If I win the lottery I am not going to quit my job, I’m just going to quit caring. Then they’ll fire me and I’ll collect two weeks severance. Checkmate.

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Graham says … who’s sick and tired of getting up at 6:30 every morning to go to work? Not me. Come gang, let’s go!

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Jordan is … not addicted to Blackjack, just to sitting in a semi-circle.

DisneyWorld Day 1

12:00AM – Watch each minute of the clock count down until the cab finally arrives.
2:50AM – Wake family. Convince baby there is such a time as 2:00AM in the morning and pack everyone up in the cab. Convince two sons that even thought it’s minus 16 in Toronto, the reason we’re wearing t-shirts and shorts is because Florida is a balmy +25. They refuse to get in the spirit and claim they’re “F-f-f-freezing.”
3:30 – Arrive at the airport three hours before takeoff. Suddenly remember paralyzing fear of flying and try to put on a brave face in front of children.
3:35 – Overhear son asking dad, “Why aren’t the other mommies drinking Jack Daniel’s at 3:30 in the morning?”
6:30 – Board plane and make a whole bunch of pacts with God that most likely can’t be kept
6:31 – Informed by pilot that a passenger who was scheduled to fly has decided not to board flight. Due to regulations, there will be a slightl delay. Logically reach conclusion: clearly absentee flyer is a terrorist who has put bomb on board. Hope that I’m wearing clean underwear so mom will be proud when my body is found.
6:32 – Helpful pilot also informs there’s ice on the wings as we head to the de-icing centre. Now have another scenario to include the potential of plummeting to our deaths due to frosty wings. Two-year old baby spooked by de-icing trucks. Only sound heard over wailing infant is his mother chanting Hail Mary’s.
6:45 – As stomach is lurched into throat, remember why the fear of flying exists. Try to put on a brave face for children. Fail miserably.
7:00 – Reach maximum altitude and realize along with a fear of flying, I also possess the gift of motion sickness. Wonder which fear will manifest first–barfing from motion sickness or passing out from anxiety.
7:21 – Try to calculate how long I’ve been in the air and how long I have to go. Three hour flight–I must have endured at least half of the trip by now. Check watch. It’s 7:20. Time is actually going backwards
8:00 – Two-year old son on my lap has relieved himself all over my jeans. I look at this as a positive opportunity, as should I decide to do the same thing–can blame it on the baby.
8:15 – Five-year old son sees his brother’s urination and raises a freezing cold water spill all over my lap. Good news is the pee’s washed away. Bad news is there’s so much turbulence I can’t go to the washroom and clean myself up. Have I mentioned I hate flying?
9:30 – The plane lands without incident and as I kiss the ground unabashedly, make the decision I am walking home from Florida to Toronto.
9:30AM – 12:00PM – Recover from plane trip